Faux Pas?
There's a discussion going on over at academicsecret that touches on the "Imposter Syndrome," where most of us (all?) feel like somebody is going to discover that we can't do what the advertising claims. I don't want to hijack the thread over there, but I think about this a lot and want to keep chewing on it.
Like Turquoise, I had a conversation (when I was considering my current postions, actually) with one of the most respected and established members of my field (people damn near genuflect when they hear his name) in which he said the same thing Turquoise's colleague did. He said, as I was wailing about maybe not being creative enough or having enought ideas, that only the people who really were creative asked that question. His faith in me has gotten me through some of the darker times. It's incidental that it was a male colleague; what strikes me about it, instead, is the universality.
I think this is part of being smart, the creeping fear that we somehow won't be smart enough -- that no matter how smart we are (and we are very, very smart) that it's not enough. Almost all of the extremely smart people I know seem to feel it, some openly and some not. And I think the ones that don't seem to feel it are just better at camouflaging it, and less brave about admitting it.
The fear can be paralysing ("Grant proposal? Oh no, more rejections because I'm not smart enough!" -- instead of "Wow, so many great ideas that there wasn't enough left over to fund mine."), and sometimes it is. Other times, I don't seem to feel it at all. I don't have any answers, but I'd like to hear thoughts.
posted by CMT @ 2:11 PM
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9 Comments:
It does seem almost universal that the successful really smart people have deep insecurities. I don't know if this makes sense but I know a lot of really bright people that idle somewhere between a fear of failure and a fear of success. It's a difficult tightrope to walk because it's hard to figure which is worse:
Fear of failure = I'm just plain not smart enough
Fear of success = expectation that I am smart and eventually people will find out I'm not
I think in our fields (and our positions), we're more likely to be dealing with the latter.
This is sort of built in to the conference presentation thing -- we assume that people are right about their work and they are showing it off, but a slip and we're on them like wolves. Now that I've said that, I'm not sure it pertains. Hmm.
My dad says that feeling stupid is a sign of being well-educated; the more educated you get, the more you realize that you don't know. I wonder if that's his way of describing imposter syndrome.
With regards to phytopile's comment, I think I'm still in the "I'm just plain not smart enough" stage. But now that I think about it, I think that my advisor has a lot to do with it. He definitely has imposter syndrome! When I see how much self-doubt he seems to have, despite all his accomplishments, I feel as if I am never going to get the confidence I need to succeed in my field. Ironically, my advisor often comments on how we need to build my self-confidence and yadda yadda yadda.
The recent conversations about imposter syndrome have allowed me to see things in a new light. It's interesting.
Your dad's right.I think the I.S. comes in when you start to feel like people think you know more than you do, and you have to keep them thinking that way.
I should have asked over at a.s., but what year are you? Or, more usefully, how long have you been doing research?
I decided, in grad school, that it was all about destroying one's self-esteem and then rebuilding it. It took until the end of my post-doc before I had any back, and the first year of an acadmic position before I stood up and though, "Oh yeah, you know it, bay-be." Of course, then it all went away again, but that's just the way of it.
It's not infrequent for advisors to try and make students feel dumb. I've seen it happen and I don't understand it. Do you get that feeling from yours? Or is he just clueless?
The academic world does seem to be a roller coaster designed to mess with your self-esteem. Be self-confident but don't get a big head. Be the expert in your field but be humble...except when you're writing that grant proposal or trying to get tenure...puff yourself up...no wait not too much.
It's all very confusing to someone like me (very little self-esteem in the first place). That also makes it difficult for me to advise students. I want to encourage them but I also want them to strive harder.
I don't think my advisor is trying to make me feel dumb; I just think he does. I don't think he has any sort of malicious intent, though. I think he's just lacking in people skills--so basically, yeah, he's kind of clueless.
The short answer to your other question is that I've been only been doing research for, uh, about a year.
Based on those, then, I think you're right about which "fear of" applies. The form of imposter (if I can say it like that) does seem to change in graduate school -- and within the group. A lot of that, of course, depends on the group dynamic, but I can distinctly recall feeling both fears at once, between dealing with my advisor and helping to prepare newer students for their candidacy.
I think it's great that he's aware of the confidence up front, and open about seeing developing it as part of his obligation to your graduate education.
I hadn't thought about the contradictions you bring up, Phytophile, but you're right! I would add to that, though, that they are gendered. That is, I think it's just women who are given the sense that they can't be _too_ openly confident.
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