Internecine Squabbling, and Days Off

I'm starting to learn how to rest -- although I attribute this mostly to having caught a ridiculous cold, which means that I can't do much of anything (even read trashy novels) for more than a couple of minutes. But getting some time to let my brain recover isn't a bad thing. So, for the last three days I've done pretty much nothing (other than some cooking -- reintroducing vegetables to my family). The fourth day I spent travelling, and there's really no way to make that restful, particularly given that it came on the heels of The Day From Hell, which brings me to the next part of my story.

The culmination of all of my hours and hours of service, of the sacrifice of my time for the greater good of the department, has been simply the realization that I will never be able to get tenure in my current department. I suppose that it's good that I learned this now, rather than later, but it is a thorougly demoralizing realization. I'm not sure that I wanted to stay there (in fact, I think I'd been leaning heavily the other way), but I did think that the decision would be mine, that my "colleagues" would respect the impact of my work. I no longer think so.

I work in a traditional subdiscipline, although one which is extremely underrepresented at my current institution, and in the course of the rather heated discussion the reasons for the imbalance became very clear. It is underrepresented because the faculty as a whole do not understand it, and they -- out of what I can only assume is a misguided attempt to salvage some self-respect -- dismiss anything they do not understand (and this is a large, and established, area of science). Since they do not value it, they do not nurture it, and the rash of departures of my predecessors is easily explained. In addition to not nurturing it, they actively ridicule and belittle it, and while I can comfort myself a little by reflecting on how backwards and, well, dumb, this makes them look, the fact is that they have the power here to block my tenure appointment, regardless of the caliber of my work. This is not a cheering realization. It also makes it harder to get up every day and work overwhelming hours, because while I love the work, it's very hard to exist in a vacuum.

In the midst of what must rate as one of the more fraught faculty meetings ever, I am very proud of my handling of the situtation. I did not come out and call anyone stupid (although it was a close thing), and I did manage to convey that I was unimpressed. And, I suppose most importantly, I was able to remain professional in the face of some really awful comments. I threw my tantrum after the meeting, not during. I've asked myself repeatedly in the days following whether this was wise, or whether I should have made the strength of my feelings more clear. But on the whole, I think I did very well by staying calm. And probably won more support from other corners by doing so -- which will help me when I look for jobs next year, a course of action I now see as ineveitable.

This means that my days of departmental service are over. I will not be the go-to-girl anymore, not for anything, because I can't take it with me. I will sacrifice everything for my research -- service and teaching -- because I need to be looking out for myself, since my department isn't looking out for me. I guess this makes me a maverick, once again. I think this is sad, since I was getting ready to settle down with the rest of the herd, but it's back to what I do best.